why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
As weird as that was it was probably the best advice i've ever gotten from a tranny
I have to think about this realistically and not with my vagina.
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
I'm surprised this is your first encounter with pepper spray. surprised, and somewhat proud.
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
Randomize
