Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in.
It was horrifying, i havent seen a girls mouth open that wide since that one episode of Goosebumps..
Ya I painted "STOP TRYING ANAL" on her headboard. I'm sick of listening to her whine through the wall and bitch the next day.
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
I'm going through our high school yearbook trying to find what boys I want to hook up with this summer. We graduated four years ago. That's a problem.
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
He shit with the door open. I think that means we are in a realtionship.
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
Randomize
