just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
I mean. If you don't have time I understand, but my dick doesn't.
I'm sitting in class drinking a forty out of a paper bag. No ones said anything yet. I think my professor is trying to ignore me. Better start yelling louder.
We started playin just the tip, then shit got crazy
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
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