Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
kicked my backpack and turned on my vibrator in the middle of class. success.
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
The usual, im laying out. Ipod on shuffle, Large spray bottle to cool myself of and a smaller one filled with chilled vodka. I can spray the vodka right in my mouth without even opening my eyes. THIS IS LIVING....
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
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