i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
honestly I asked the same thing when we had our slip n slide and margarita party
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Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
Your topless pictures make me question reality
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
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I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
yyyea i think im gonna go get a bowl and play skyrim. And by bowl i mean something i can throw up in, not weed
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
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