i wish starbucks made bloody marys
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
Bro, the freshmen are smoking in the park again, do you need ammo for ur paintball gun?
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
Black out Jordan is making huge strides. I didn't even pee on anyone or anything last night.
I'm a stupid stupid woman who is totally going to rock this holiday season dick drunk on that Ginger
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
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