i nerd-gasmd. plain and simple.
my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
my life is turning into trapped in the closet at way too fast a speed for me to feel comfortable.
I need to calm my uterus...
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
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