My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
Im in your car brotha dog. Its was unlocked, so im gonna sleep in it. well i mean i think its your car be your car.
In fairness it was pretty good sex, but I still wasn't expecting the mass cheering and applause he got on leaving my tent
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
just remembered spooning on the cardboard and confessing to each other we had the spins.
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
Randomize
