After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
I found my old addy guy via fb who clearly understands the supply and demand curve of addy during finals so he's gonna hook me up.
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
He had a curved dick....must be a european thing
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
Randomize
