I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
Checked my photo vault today... My self nudie folder is passing the 150 mark.
The weird thing is that you don't send them to anyone. You just keep them for yourself...
I have to go buy generic plan b after work. I don't even leave for the new semester for another 11 days. I think I just leveled up in sluttiness
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
*goes to show prof a picture* *forgets tit pic is in camera roll*
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
Randomize
