I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
I've blown a few things in my day
Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
come over
yeah sure
wait who is this again? my contacts got deleted...but tell me and ill be there in 10
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
Randomize
