There's a girl in here wearing a kaballah bracelet and a miley Cyrus tshirt. consider her judged.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
I've come to the conclusion, I should prob have at least 20 hr supervision. I would say 24, but I'm guaranteed to pass out for at least 4 hrs a day
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
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