I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
I just realized that when I walk away people probably say "wow she really has a drinking problem" and sadly it doesn't bother me.
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
The Shake Weight not only toned my arms but significantly improved my hand job form and efficiency.
I still can't figure out why that's not in the commercial.
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
So he ended up throwing a watermelon that he stole from the cafeteria saying "if i cant have it no one can" of the 5th floor.
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
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