My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
Using pokemon references during sexual acts is always a good idea.
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
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