i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
Randomize
