I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
Randomize
