My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
i hate that site..its like every vagina you dont wanna see
I'm sitting in my room naked waiting for him. When he gets here im going to make him do 20 pushups and lick my clit for a hour
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
Plus he is a pilot so I could give him flight dome
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
