I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
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Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
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Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
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