what is TOTES MCGOATS in spanish?
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
if I blackout nd am found tomorrow w butterfly hairclips on my nipples and my habd down my pants tell my family I am sorry
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
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