If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
Alli causes anal leakage. You can find someone to like you if you are fat but no one will like you if you poop yourself.
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
still finding ketchup in my shoes. thanks to graduation that is probably the last time ill ever say that..
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
