I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
i have now learned nap means the same thing as sex in college
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
