I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
Just found out Brianna Frost the Pornstar goes to my school. Makes that $35,000 tuition that more valuable.
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
Is there evidence of another human being getting away with this/ not dying?
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
I was just tongue fucked into oblivion.
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
Randomize
