That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
So gin and wine won't be happening again
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
What's great about college is that i can eat chocolate cereal for every meal and call it a money saving technique.
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
thanks for supporting my whoreish tendencies
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