i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
I'm waiting for you in a manthong right now.
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
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