I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
You kept shouting "Relax and take notes" every time before you would hit the blunt
lets have sex before this no shave november shit gets outta hand.
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
Completly hung over at midnight, I knew there was a downside to drinking at 2pm
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
Monday morning margarita madness at ny house. Yes before wheel of fortune. Yes day drinking.
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
Randomize
