She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
My ass is underappreciated
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
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