Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
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