The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
and the mascot is a pinecone. its really no surprise that people here dont get laid
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
Seriously? A BAR is SPONSORING my 21... What did you do for your 21 again??
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
I need more than 2 fuckable people this is an outrage
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
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