I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
i mad aa ber float. budweiser nd ice creem. it amzig.
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
Randomize
