I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
Randomize
