he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
Princeton has an emergency contraception worldwide website. It is in moments like these that I love my university
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
just for future reference, lake water is NOT mix for hard stuff. nor is it an adequate substitute.
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
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