I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
That's how pantless uber rides happen
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
Randomize
