dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
Excuse me but the alley way I wanted to fuck in happens to be a very nice clean area.
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
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