I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
Randomize
