i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
I just got a rly sharp new razor and was shaving down there...
and?
RIP clitoris
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
The lack of respect you have for your penis baffles me. I'd rather rub my ball sack on public toilet seats than stick my dick in some of those girls.
A simple 'no' would have sufficed
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
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