my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
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