Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
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