just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
You're breaking my sexual little heart
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