Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?
i want to swaddle you in tequila
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
I did sing regulators with a random black dude at The Rail without looking at the screen, hugged him and walked off stage. I pretty much live up to all expectations.
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
