Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
She fucked me for a ride to the airport. If this is what the rest of college is like, I'm never graduating.
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
Cleaning my pipe and using the left over resin solution to make THC laced rolling papers and a jar of hash oil/honey for my tea
WE USE THE WHOLE BUFFALO
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
Judging by his bulge. This guy is going home with me. Who doesn't want a dick that looks like it used to be a pillar in Rome.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
Please don't give away my fajitas
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
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