Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.
Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
Cause its not a drunken adventure unless someone ends up in a pool
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
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