I dont get chicks, its like they only care about themselves and money
sounds like you understand them just fine
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
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