if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
Its perfect, I supply the pot she makes the brownies. I love the culinary dept.
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
we fucked in the backseat of my car at the observatory, right under the stars. it was a starry, orgasmic filled night
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
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