i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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