I took my pants off in the cab and tried to bite his ear. Not going oout for awhile
Food Network. Taking bong rips everytime we want to eat. BOBBY FLAY.
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
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