his logic is that since hes already cheated on her w me its doesnt count
after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
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