It's a miracle Ok Typing texts toYou right now
I looooooove Saturdays!!!!!!!
I am absolutely hammered
My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
Also the McRib is back. Lets get high, dress like cowboys, and eat some McRibs.
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
Just make sure you put pants on
....then im not going
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