I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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