New drinking game: drink every time the guy whose room we are in is creepy
enjoy the hospital
i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
So we fuck and I say, "I'm about to go." He tells me, "No, leave at ten.. just lay here for a little while." When I ask, "Why?!" He gets his feelings hurt and says, "ugh. or don't." Since when did guys start acting like girls?
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
I could hear it slapping against his thighs under the robe!!!!!!!!! You are a lucky girl!
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