Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
i dont understand why you dont get why i love him. i opened the bathroom door and he had his penis in his right hand and a mcdouble in his left.
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
I'm thinking I had intended to send you pics cuz I woke up naked
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
Randomize
