I hope my future cuntsucker is that tight
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
when she was 9 she got kicked out of our 4-H camp dance for pole dancing on the spirit stick
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
Please come home, i don't want to feel like basket garbage girl but I'm in your alleyway and not sure how to change that.
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
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