I have no idea what her name is. I only remember putting my dick between her ass cheeks.
I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math.
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
I get a little bitchy. We all know that
I love everything about him! His penis, his hair, his tattoos, his penis, his cat, his penis.
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
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