i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
is he apposed to sex in general? or just porch sex?
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
Also, fucking on half deflated air mattresses is a great full body work out.
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
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